This Saturday Afternoon...

A hollow feeling.. a blank stare into oblivion…I’m engulfed in this scary feeling of nothingness… Not a girl, not yet a woman.. these may be lines from a Britney Spears number but resemble that state of oblivion to me.. Why is it that I’m not able to get a hold over my life? Why am I just losing it by the day? Too much stress or its just me finding too much meaning in “not a girl, not yet a woman”… The way life’s turning up its surprise elements to me… one thing’s clear… by the time u r 25.. ur life’s no longer just urs.. n this fact is as plain as it can be…. Everything’s defined by a web of relationships… I’m not gonna hold back today, really want words to talk tonight.. why is that I’ve lost being an independent girl, who could take decisions as it suited? All the philosophy n psychology gyaan in the world will say – it’s a phase.. even this will pass away..” Sorry, I refuse to buy this… its getting into my system now.. Every single decision is dependent on so many factors…I’m someone’s daughter, sister, fiancée, would-be daughter-in-law n the list is endless… what am I without this? Zilch? the optimist in me denies.. Its struggling hard not to get bogged down by events occurred of late.. I wanna break free… Look at the mirror n be proud for the freedom I chose… the choices I made… n not feel like ‘do I have a choice?’ Need some space…. Just a little.. to breathe in some hope, some energy n yes, some fun..six people livin in 600 sq ft flat.. tryin to chat on gtalk with my fiancée.. tryin to fig out what is in store for me in his another stint abroad.. tryin to fig out if he would be around for my placement week.. tryin to tell him not to worry..I’m not his responsibility yet.. parents, in-laws, relatives… they simply can’t for this transition for me.. from this carefree girl to a doting wife/daughter-in-law.. May be they are right.. but don’t understand where am I wrong.. is it unfair if wanna be on my own for some more time? Is it unfair that I really miss him n need him around? Is it unfair that being a student I need some space in this house? These thoughts were the mood on sat afternoon when I left home at 3 after havin done some cleanin to welcome home my sweet little angel, my nephew… Reached college, was there till 6.30.. on my way back the thoughts were so different.. was thinkin of this friend I met who left her graduation bcoz her siblings had to study… time for some introspection..am I just too full of myself? Obsessed with this need of being independent? Of breakin free from the weight of expectations… there’s so much to be done in this one more year at the b-school… but honestly, deep down.. I know sloggin it out takes a toll on me… n then its only these relationships which bounce me back to action… why am I so limited? Has the virtual world of gtalk n yahoo messenger become my reality? Is this what the next 1 year holds in store?
I’m sure there are solutions to all this… but wonder why do we lose the synergy with our inner selves in the race for tryin to balance this web of relationships? May be the answer is as basic as “human beings are meant to be inter-dependent..” if that’s the reason.. its fair enough… but at the same time, its scary.. does that mean, my life would be dictated by these relationships always? Will they care enough to give me what I yearn for… Some space, some hope n some fun… is this why I’ve slogged to get into a b-school.. is this what it will come to? I have to confess, I don’t think I’ll ever find answers to this…
Don’t know if my peers are going thro’ the same… have they discovered their calling? I hope they have… bcoz this is nothingness.. its hollow..
“katra katra milti hai.. katra katra jeene do.. zindagi hain.. behne do.. pyaasi hu main… pyaasi rehne do..” There it goes on my playlist again...