Wisdom in Retrospect!

A roller-coaster of emotions.. From attending pre-placement talks to getting the spot offer, from sleepless nights to day dreaming of the dream job, from losing hope on landing with a good job to settling for something lesser, from praying for friends to getting irritated with them, from a fun-filled birthday to discovering the “poet” in me… It’s been one unforgettable month.. 14th Dec being the most unforgettable.. A day of nerves.. that could be the only way to describe it.. I almost thought that I had lost the job when they made the offer… I could feel tension all around, had completely got stressed out but one thing carried me through.. the belief that there’s nothing to lose.. the conviction that this is just a start and not the end of the world.. Eventually I realized how much ever you study, however brilliant you may be, the decisive moment will be in your favour only if you are confident of your worth, only if you can think on your feet and of course only if you have the attitude!

This almost sounds like wisdom in retrospect! I’m going to grow old to be a granny to tell stories about self-belief and attitude :)

One of the most interesting revelations/discoveries are people… yes, if not anything, the placement week reveals a lot about people…The divide between acquaintances and friends is clearer than ever before.. And then there are some who have never been friends and still reach out to you.. It’s an experience in itself :) I’m glad that my B-school gave me such opportunities to test my mettle, to test my nerves and also taught me to deal with people.. Its easier now than it was 2 years back- to work in teams, to lead, to delegate, to not be judgmental about people, to understand that everyone is unique, and of course to appreciate that- what goes up has to come down... everything evens out!

Best piece of wisdom, lines from my favourite song-
Don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either.. Your choices are always half chance.. and so are everybody else’s!!!

Lyrics...

I wish I had this magical power of writing lyrics.. lyrics for joy, lyrics for celebration, lyrics for ecstacy, lyrics for love, lyrics for togetherness, lyrics for solitude, lyrics to vent out sorrow... There are so many times in the day I wonder if this is a gift that God bestows or something which can be developed through literature..
Come to think of it now, it could be like a dream job for me, if only I had that ability! How I wish.. I don't know how commercialised the business is, but I literally worship Gulzaar Saab for his work.. Saying that I'm his fan is the biggest understatement! Right from Katra Katra to Pani Pani re to Roz Roz Ankhon Tale to Do Naina aur ek kahani to songs of Marasim to Mera Kuch Saaman to my current favourite O saathi re from Omkara... Needless to say, the list is endless.
His lyrics take you to a different world..no, don't be mistaken not to a perfect world.. but a very human, a very real world and I think there lies the beauty of his songs.. you never get completely carried away to a utopian world, in fact you get nostalgic and relate to memories you could associate with those lyrics.. or sometimes just sit back and listen and get awed by his ability of writing such perfectly human songs!

MBA minus gas

15th Oct, 2007.. my alarm buzzes at 6.30.. as usual, i snooze it and then the next time it buzzes, i press stop instead of snooze n doze off! Somehow my hands get hold of my cell to check the time n there i go! I'm late! first day of a jam packed week.. lec at 8.30... its already 7.30.. have to leave home at 8, rush, rush, rush.. the way i brushed my teeth, had bath n breakfast was crazy.. just gulped it down.. cut to parla station.. missed a train inspite of a marathon run to reach the platform.. if nothin else, MBA has equipped me with weight-lifting skills and running on stairs, platforms.. running for those silly trains, that "about to explode" dadar station and those never ending cab queues at dadar stn.. When u r late, Murphy's Law always works! has to! eventually reached the class at 8.35, the class has already started and the prof's asking us to adhere to time.. There i make another promise not to snooze again atleast not for the next two days.. the professor in question is one of my favourites and there have been a lot of takeaways from her lecs for me..

She gives us a long (really long) to do list, i'm half dead already! Rush to canteen, attend a pre-placement talk, lec at 2.. This lec also has a major major proj pending! Deadline 20th.. i wonder how to squeeze it in.. The sun sets, me still in college, attending another imp lec.. reach home at 10, mail the prof an assignment she had asked to submit by 6, apologise for the delay.. try n read stuff for the lec next mornin.. its at 8.30 again! Here we go again, same cycle again, except that i'm on time for the lec.. (feels like an achievement especially if its a mornin lec).. There she goes again, long to do list.. but very nice lec.. I promise myself i'll read stuff on the topics.. Now when i'm almost charged up, she declares a test for tomo's lec.. Don't even go there, please i beg.. but no, this week has to be crazy, its just meant to be! I attend lecs the whole day again, do a small survey in the evening.. By the time i reach home, thanx to my heavy laptop and stamina, i'm down n out again.. I wonder to myself, what am i achieving but then push myself further for one final lec.. This time its at 8, and yes this time i'm before time :) the test goes well n so does another day at my b-school.. lectures n projects.. now i'm reminded of the huge proj thats pending.. phew! time for action again.. start work, realisation dawns.. i'm so screwed!

While i'm doin this, i realise i have to sit with few friends from another class as a part of Project Netrutva.. Back home navratri is on, mum is complaining i'm not home and not helping her at all.. dasera up next on sunday.. There comes Saturday, i'm in college the whole day... 9 am to 10 pm.. sit with them also.. but they are left wanting for more, tell them i'll try the dasera evening.. Come Sunday, I'm so occupied at home, relatives for lunch,get done at 4.30.. then i finally decide not to go, trade-off between quality time at home and responsibility at college.. Felt guilty but then gave it away..

Monday morning, reach college at 9 to sit with them..revise key concepts for them, their exam at 11.. it was crazy.. My major project was work in progress, had to finish that because the deadline was afternoon.. Phew! Get that done.. next up presentation! Had to present on the same project the next day..sit in college again, the ppt takes some 4 hours to be made!

Finally finally the schedule seems to be easening.. My presentation goes well, all in all worth the effort! That was 23rd Oct.. 8 days full of action! what a week!

Its one of those weeks which have registered in my mind as "MBA minus gas"..

There were more things happening on other fronts too, dad popping the question yet again.. but finally pulled it all off :)

Looking forward to tomorrow morning.. cheeks will blush and eyes will light up again.. he's comin down for diwali and my b'de.. a perfect gift! :D...
Will freeze it in my memory.. to help me cope with such crazy days again!

Not "doing" it!

Faced my first placement interview today.. Could feel the tension in the air.. everyone laughs, cracks jokes but eventually it boils down to those deciding moments inside the interview room.. People are walking up and down the corridor.. trying to maintain their cool, bucking everyone up.. Its quite a sight to witness.. Everytime I experience this, my stomach churns and I really question the system.. Is this really the best way to judge people? Is this how they will know how I'll contribute to their toplines? Hanging on to these thoughts, its interesting to see how this links with the way we perceive performance..

One of my favourite mentors in college has left a very solid impression on my mind.. She doesn't work with my college anymore but its her words which keep ringing everytime I see people getting stressed out.. May it be the admission process, exams or the final frontier - placements.. Very rightly, she remarked that the problem with us is that we are obsessed with "doing".. we always have some agenda, some exam, some project, some deadline, some job, some work.. all the time.. We have never learnt, how to "not do".. We haven't learnt to take breaks, unwind, relax.. go backpacking, travel, just not do anything!

It might sound very utopian but for me that's the way I want to live.. Not do anything sometimes, do loads at times, go all out for friends and never fall short of time for family.. That's my wishlist, God.. I know you are listening :)

Freeeeeeeedom!

No.. this has nothing to do with 15th August… Over the past two months, I’ve realized for every single individual.. this is the single most driver for happiness, for motivation, for inspiration.. u name it! Take any case in point.. it is freedom that we all strive for…
Have been wonderin what gives us this sense of being “free”…let nothing stop.. Let nothing bother… just do it.. Be careless with others? Not really... All theories have a thin line separating the two sides of their interpretation..
At times, I wonder why is there so much discipline & order around? We let our lives be dictated by too many rules, too much discipline.. I have been observing this lady who sells bananas at this road near my house.. She is an old woman, a bit mad.. shouts (n even spits!) at people who try to intrude her space on the road.. That’s her den.. she sells bananas the whole day and retires at the same place to call it a day... Look at her, her life’s kinda uncomplicated… No one has instructed her to sell bananas.. there’re no bosses that she has to report to.. she is livin it to the fullest! Without any rules n regulations governing her being… I know it will be too simplistic to say that this enlarged to the greater picture will make India free, literally.. But, I’m not sayin that it can’t work... Take a simple example… In trains, on roads, on platforms… everywhere.. people litter.. litter so much that it causes the city’s drainage to choke in a deluge.. what if there were no rules.. what if these ppl (when they were kids) were never told that “litterin is bad”.. would they have still done it? There’s a deep connection between how we feel abt our sense of freedom, how much we take responsibility for our lives and the civic sense that we have… it might be a weird connection, but it exists.. Our kids need that “letting go”… Initially, there might be chaos… but I can bet an order will emerge from the chaos.. they’ll live their lives only for them, will not be careless with their parents and their motherland, India.. Chak de, India!

Cutest movie I've ever seen!

Before this gets lost in the universe of things that I’ve started associating with as “nostalgia (things I’ve really loved!)”... I have to pen it down…Saw this really cute movie called “Little Manhattan” on a lazy Sunday morning … was casually browsin thro the ones I had on my lappy n happened to stumble on this one.. jus wanted to laze around.. the movie was just 45 mins long n therefore thought that this could be the best way I could spend my Sunday morning…
There it goes... such a beautifully made movie! Was so simple... so real… sooooooo cute! About a 10 yr old boy fallin for an 11 yr old girl! The dialogues are simply amazing…..!!!! This lil angel thinks his life was so uncomplicated before he discovered love… love in her… he loves her so much that it starts hurtin! Hurtin for real…She’s all that he dreams of… somehow or the other he has to impress her! Tries it all.. haircut, ice-cream, takin her along in the train… so much that he jus can’t resist kissin her!
While his love life unholds… his parents are contemplatin divorce which further reinforces his belief that he was better off without “love”!
This one’s a sure shot recipe to put a smile on ur face even if u r feelin sad, angry, disillusioned, bored or any other feelin under the sun! Cutest movie I’ve ever seen… a movie about first love!

This Saturday Afternoon...

A hollow feeling.. a blank stare into oblivion…I’m engulfed in this scary feeling of nothingness… Not a girl, not yet a woman.. these may be lines from a Britney Spears number but resemble that state of oblivion to me.. Why is it that I’m not able to get a hold over my life? Why am I just losing it by the day? Too much stress or its just me finding too much meaning in “not a girl, not yet a woman”… The way life’s turning up its surprise elements to me… one thing’s clear… by the time u r 25.. ur life’s no longer just urs.. n this fact is as plain as it can be…. Everything’s defined by a web of relationships… I’m not gonna hold back today, really want words to talk tonight.. why is that I’ve lost being an independent girl, who could take decisions as it suited? All the philosophy n psychology gyaan in the world will say – it’s a phase.. even this will pass away..” Sorry, I refuse to buy this… its getting into my system now.. Every single decision is dependent on so many factors…I’m someone’s daughter, sister, fiancée, would-be daughter-in-law n the list is endless… what am I without this? Zilch? the optimist in me denies.. Its struggling hard not to get bogged down by events occurred of late.. I wanna break free… Look at the mirror n be proud for the freedom I chose… the choices I made… n not feel like ‘do I have a choice?’ Need some space…. Just a little.. to breathe in some hope, some energy n yes, some fun..six people livin in 600 sq ft flat.. tryin to chat on gtalk with my fiancée.. tryin to fig out what is in store for me in his another stint abroad.. tryin to fig out if he would be around for my placement week.. tryin to tell him not to worry..I’m not his responsibility yet.. parents, in-laws, relatives… they simply can’t for this transition for me.. from this carefree girl to a doting wife/daughter-in-law.. May be they are right.. but don’t understand where am I wrong.. is it unfair if wanna be on my own for some more time? Is it unfair that I really miss him n need him around? Is it unfair that being a student I need some space in this house? These thoughts were the mood on sat afternoon when I left home at 3 after havin done some cleanin to welcome home my sweet little angel, my nephew… Reached college, was there till 6.30.. on my way back the thoughts were so different.. was thinkin of this friend I met who left her graduation bcoz her siblings had to study… time for some introspection..am I just too full of myself? Obsessed with this need of being independent? Of breakin free from the weight of expectations… there’s so much to be done in this one more year at the b-school… but honestly, deep down.. I know sloggin it out takes a toll on me… n then its only these relationships which bounce me back to action… why am I so limited? Has the virtual world of gtalk n yahoo messenger become my reality? Is this what the next 1 year holds in store?
I’m sure there are solutions to all this… but wonder why do we lose the synergy with our inner selves in the race for tryin to balance this web of relationships? May be the answer is as basic as “human beings are meant to be inter-dependent..” if that’s the reason.. its fair enough… but at the same time, its scary.. does that mean, my life would be dictated by these relationships always? Will they care enough to give me what I yearn for… Some space, some hope n some fun… is this why I’ve slogged to get into a b-school.. is this what it will come to? I have to confess, I don’t think I’ll ever find answers to this…
Don’t know if my peers are going thro’ the same… have they discovered their calling? I hope they have… bcoz this is nothingness.. its hollow..
“katra katra milti hai.. katra katra jeene do.. zindagi hain.. behne do.. pyaasi hu main… pyaasi rehne do..” There it goes on my playlist again...

The two theories I can so relate to!

Ever since I’ve started blogging, I’ve been talkin a lot to myself… Don’t know if that’s a healthy sign ;), may be something’s wrong! Need a visit to Agra? I’m not supposed to know that anyway.. Will move on and go ahead with this post… Its just crazy the way I’ve been in the past two weeks.. Too many things, too much clutter.. Summer project’s headin nowhere.. Nephew’s not home yet.. Relatives keep pourin in (not that I’m complainin..I’m a good gal, u see ;)) & my mom’s irritation with the way I’m putting on weight!

Have been ponderin on two theories, lately.. First up, have been wonderin a lot a about the Herzberg’s two factor theory I learnt in my 1st year at the B-school… its so awesome.. I mean, I can relate to it even in a two month summer internship! Feel so sad when bosses don’t get it.. Feel sad that HR managers are mere facilitators..that’s why I’m not doin HR.. Have chosen Finance.. not that I was keen on it.. Not that I can slog in office till midnight.. not that I’m very ambitious.. n not that I wanna give competition to big bro & bhabhijaan! Just that it appears interestin to study finance… Just the mere thought of how everythin’s gonna fall in place in the next 2 years makes me mad…

Comin back to here and now.. Try to find solace with the fact that he’s comin.. finally! The wait’s gonna be over.. Was so happy to know that, went n bought a kurta which I could wear to the airport, to tell the least! “First time our eyes met.. same feelin I get.. Only feels more stronger, wanna love ya longer...” I’ve already started blushin as I write this… remembering those stolen moments.. cheeks all blushin.. his eyes promise to love me for life…I could just go on.. Could walk a thousand miles if I could just see him, tonight! I hope God’s listenin.. don’t want those two weeks to fly.. I know they will… Its never goin to be enough.. Einstein’s theory of relativity, anyone?
I need a vacation, God… A long one…Hello, you listening? Damn... it says the network’s busy.. Wonder why on earth is everyone so human? Why can’t we ever be perfectly happy? Ok.. too much philosophy for today.. I’m done… For cryin out loud, God.. I’m really missin him!
Loved these lines from the song… Its stuck in my head everyday when I walk back from office..
“Making my way downtown, walking fast... Faces pass and I'm home bound… Staring blankly ahead, just making my way... Making a way... through the crowd… And I still need u, and I still miss u, And now I wonder... If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass us by? 'coz u know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see u..”

Random thoughts of my being...

Wonder what I’m trying to attempt to pen down on this lazy Tuesday morning… I’m brain fried after last week’s experience with my project guide (Actually, he doesn’t even deserve a mention here!) Anyways.. guess it’s all a part n parcel of being a “student”… At times I feel like questioning this basic idea of “the need is yours, u needed the project so be prepared for their weird ways of “not interactin with u”… Ok, so this post is headin towards I’m frustrated syndrome… I’m gonna write abt it here coz the title of the post is random thoughts… so I guess it allows me to write anything n everything as long as it’s random!
Comin back to my question, isn’t it like succession planning.. where u are passin on ur learnings to the younger generation bcoz as John Maynard Keynes has said, “in the long run.. we all die”… Come on, I mean, even I’ll do it when I’ll be someone’s proj guide… I’ll pass on my learnings, right? So what’s the big deal about throwin so much attitude???
I know I’m appearin too saturated… but its not that I don’t respect seniors (read the tribe of teachers and guides) but not just bcoz they r so… Inevitably, I end up comparing him to my boss in UHDE and that’s where trouble begins… I need to understand it’s not a big deal! It’s just a two month summer internship… guess I’ll enjoy readin this later when I grow up to someone’s proj guide... Sure, it will be fun!
Wonder what are the roots of this… all of us say this to ourselves – “had I been in the other person’s shoes, I would not have behaved this way…” n then wonder what happens when we play the same role later on in life… we become nagging wives, rigid n inflexible husbands, strict parents n demanding bosses! I don’t have answers to these but would love to know what triggers it all! Blame it on the attitude again – where the boss thinks I’ve been thro so much, this junior is havin it so easy… where the mother-in-law thinks my days as a daughter-in-law were hell n look at her.. she has all that she can ask for! I’m not writin this out of instinct, but lately, I’ve come across people who’ve given me a lot of negativity about life when u r on our own, with in-laws… Again, it’s easier said than done.. These ppl who were so upset about their scheme of things, need to be in the other person’s shoes, too… it all boils down to this attitude of being open-minded.. If that doesn’t work, be a rebel! Hell yes!

Rock on...

Don’t know what makes me write this today… Whatever it is, I think it’s gonna be one awesome experience…writing my first blog! My mind’s quite blank as I write this & is thinking of weird topics to write about... First thing that comes to mind is time… how it has changed over the years and wonder how it amazes me everytime with something new to offer, something totally fresh… giving me butterflies in the tummy, imagining how things will unfold and how my world would evolve before its next surprise rolls out! Its amazing how these things hold promise and hope every single time!
How many times do we say this to ourselves – times have changed… in my time, this wasn’t how it used to be… Oh God! How time flies…!!!
Most of us get an overwhelming feeling whenever we reflect back on our typical transitions – the farewell from school …that typical transition of a teenager with mixed feelings of leaving school and ahoy! the world of college beckons…not wearing the uniform, sharing music more than tution notes, the first bite of the canteen samosa and ofcourse can I forget the thrill of riding a two wheeler!!!! We invariably get nostalgic and smile to ourselves … :) That first crush when it feels like time has frozen… n then before u know, u realize – Oh.. better luck next time! There are desperate times too.. when u r trying hard to crack that 12th exam n the results turn out otherwise.. Our parents tell us this is not the end of the world but then for us.. it appears like that! Because our world was defined that way…Then again times change, life moves on.. U become a graduate n realize all that was so much fun inspite of the tension! Its amazing how this holds true for all of us, without any any any exception, whatsoever!
I used to think that I’ve grown over that phase now… when I was a rebellious girl (I’ve to confess, guys in my class had my nick as “don”!) but time has surprised me yet again… the contexts have changed but the intensity’s pretty much the same… used to hate Mumbai initially… never thought “good people” can exist here! Four years down the line found my “angel” right here! Never thought I would work in a typical engineering environment…Oh my my… My job was hardcore stuff! Gave CAT thrice, got calls too! Finally have opted for welingkar’s… through cet! The consistency of change has really been awesome!
Had a kickass first year in the b-school, was a total tomboy in school and now in Welingkar’s all close friends are from the fairer sex! I’m sure this is gonna rock on… getting a placement, a new boss, getting married, discovering my husband… my in-laws :P… I’m sure its gonna be one overwhelming, awesome, terrific, rockin’ experience!!!
To sum it up for my first post… here’s my favourite line about time and change … this is a from a song by Jagjit Singh – “Waqt rehtaa nahi kahin tik kar, iski aadat bhi aadmi si hai…”
Think it’s the most apt quote ever!